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What a mistake that Christmas card was, says Jasper Gerard. Reaching for the marmalade, you glance at the photo on the Telegraph's front - and you are suddenly consumed by an unfamiliar, yet urgent, need to hurl the jar at someone. Or to be more precise, to hurl it at anyone called Conway: oh boy, what a family portrait. You would start with dodgy Derek, Del Boy, the Hon member for Sidcup; move on rapidly to the MP's daughter, whom he almost certainly calls "Princess"; pause briefly over his fur-coated wife, before really setting to work with the Conway boy prostitute kisses on his apparently supercilious sons in their Sloaney Hackett finery.

There is not a jury in the land that would convict you. Indeed, you would probably crop up in the New Year Honours List for services to the community, be made a UN goodwill adelaide hills roads independent escorts and have a dinner thrown in your honour by Lady Antonia Fraser. There was his family, personification of the old smug Tory party, standing before the Palace of Westminster that Clan Conway was busy bleeding dry.

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This arriviste not only employed his wife as his secretary, he also rewarded his sons handsomely for their "research" - even though they were at university at the time. It is commendable for a Tory MP to uphold family values, but couldn't he have demonstrated how highly he values his family with his own money? Conway could not have seen the Little Britain sketch in which the Tory MP drags his family before the cameras to explain his latest transgression.

Doesn't he realise that any Tory MP posing with his family instantly lobs up the question: hmm, so what's he prosttute

Polari is a language that was used chiefly by gay men in the first half of the twentieth century.

Other MPs, kind enough to send me Christmas cards, limit themselves to snowy Westminster scenes from Victorian watercolours. Why did Conway, knowing of his dextrous employment arrangements, feel the need to flaunt how well he had done courtesy of the constituents who sent him there?

And you have to feel sorry for David Cameron. He has spent two years hugging hoodies, huskies, Polly Toynbee and everyone else a good Tory would despise - all to convince us the Conservatives have changed.

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